DEAR PETS:

Someone sent this to me in an email today – it’s too funny not to share. Since I poached it from them, feel free to share it with everyone!

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

Eat less
Don’t ask for money all the time
Are easier to train
Normally come when called
Never ask to drive the car
Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
Don’t smoke or drink
Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
Don’t want to wear your clothes
Don’t need a ‘gazillion’ dollars for college.
If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

For anyone who has tried to use the bathroom in my house, you know the histrionics that occur when the door gets shut. And if by chance you don’t latch it properly, cats will appear from out of the woodwork to “help” you. We even have one who does drive by’s – crashing into the door to open it and then tearing away as if you are torturing him by making him be in the room with you. Pets, you’ve got to love them!

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6 Responses to “DEAR PETS:”

  1. amanda Says:

    I don’t know- I think your furry friends are the drug using friends I don’t want P around- catnip, people food, TREATS…

  2. Family Adventure Says:

    ‘fur’niture – brilliant! 🙂Heidi

  3. the lazy reader Says:

    This had me laughing so hard. I have three cats. All of this is soooo true!!! Thanks!

  4. Hey Teach! Says:

    Not sure about the drugs and not driving…otherwise it’s dead on in our house as you know

  5. painted maypole Says:

    ha ha ha ha! so true!

  6. the dragonfly Says:

    Thanks for the laugh. Especially the part about the bed. Even with the Sergeant gone I feel crowded in the bed!!

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