(You thought this was going to be about sex, didn’t you? A clue – NO. A) I like you but not that much and 2) eeww – some of my family read this! For that kind of stuff, you’ll have to go to my secret soft porn site – and no, I’m not going to give a link because then it wouldn’t be secret.)

No, in my case, I awake to Gretel

using me as a jungle gym (nothing like that early morning exercise), kneading me with her paws, and diligently cleaning every inch of exposed skin with a tongue that has the consistency of sandpaper.

Gretel sleeps with me every night. She sometimes allows Andrew

the foot of the bed but the top 80% is her domain. This is my alarm clock. It is a very serviceable alarm clock.

I have the option of waking to the sounds of birds twittering (only to be outdone by the SQUAWKING of the gulls on the dock outside); Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off to Work We Go (thank you, NO!); It’s a Small World (made smaller by one person cause I just jumped from the balcony – have I mentioned, I’m not a morning person?); or the radio. My choice – to wake to the dulcet tones of ABC news telling me of the latest disaster.

The alarm is set for the ungodly hour of 6:30 AM but I’m usually up and moving anywhere between 6 & 6:30. The rule is … if the first # is anything other than a 6, I don’t want to see or feel anything! This, unfortunately, is my rule, not Gretel’s. Recently, she has taken on the job of getting me up in the morning. This morning I was woken by the sandpaper tongue at 4:50 AM. Yes, you are reading it correctly – that is a 4. In the name of all that is good and holy – what the hell are you thinking, cat? 4 is not a civilized number under any circumstances!

Why does she work so hard to get me up and moving? So I can lead a productive life (early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy & wise)? NO! It is so she can snuggle into the warm depression I’ve left in the middle of the bed and continue her rest. My answer to this? Burrow – get every part of me under the comforter. That and try to come up with witty blog posts as I attempt sleep again (can I reiterate that it wasn’t even 5AM?) And the weekends? Then I give her 100% of the bed and sleep 75 miles away from the licking machine!

Oh, and PS – there isn’t a secret soft porn site …. yet!



  1. Hey Teach! Says:

    yeah we all know what you do with your spare time (wink wink)…gretel likes the 4 hour feeding schedule and thinks you should put her on it…

  2. the dragonfly Says:

    Thankfully my cats don’t have that early rising habit. Or, when they do, they keep it to themselves.On the flip side there is my son, who wakes up whenever he wants (sometimes there’s a four at the beginning of the number, other times it’s as late as ten!) and I have no choice but to get up when he wants me. That’s life, right?🙂

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