BLINDSIDED

Now that I have had time to adjust to the news about changes in my job, I am not bothered that much by the fact that they are giving some of my responsibilities to someone else. No, wait – that’s not true. It’s bothering the ever-loving hell out of me. I wish I could be this calm, collected person who just takes it all in stride but I’m not. I’m taking it extremely personally. What!? I’m not doing a good enough job for you? I’m pretty sure, when I look at it rationally, the real reason is the other person doesn’t have enough to keep her busy since our workload is so diminished and, since she handles the rest of the accounting stuff, it’s a natural to pass these things to her.

BUT! But, but — that is not the point of this post. The point is the way I was informed of these changes. I was completely blindsided at a meeting with everyone else from the office in attendance. There was no opportunity of asking questions (as if I could manage to do that without crying – damn xx chromosomes!) or reacting without everyone looking at me. I have no idea if I showed any emotion during that hour or not. I do know I came close to vomiting immediately afterwards, and that when I spoke to Helen on the phone, I burst into tears, but luckily I was outside and away from everyone else.

Now, I have a question. Would you, if you had prior knowledge of a big change affecting a co-worker (work friend), let them know ahead of time? I would have given the friend a heads up, even if I couldn’t go into specifics. Just a “something’s coming that you’re not going to like – I can’t say anything else” email or IM or something. Is this a female thing? Is this a me thing?

According to my mother, in front of whom I broke down all over again when I told her about it, men are a) brutes and b) insensitive to anything that does not specifically and immediately involve them. She figures, and I agree, that the males in my office will think that I was sulking and not understand or even realize there was a reason for why I withdrew into my office for the rest of the day. And I could tell them that I was walking the very fine line between keeping it all together and bursting into tears and they would be flabbergasted that the news affected me that way. I’m taking it too personally. It’s only a job. Yeah, well you know what? It’s MY job! And I do it very well. And by taking those bits, you have undermined everything I’ve done to this point!

Of course, that is my opinion and I will never put it to the test. I sat down with the person taking over my responsibilities on Friday to train her to use the system that I built up from the beginning. I did not program it but I’m the one responsible for putting all the info into it and molding it to do what we need it to do. And I will hand over to her all the stuff that for which she is now responsible. I will try and hide my anger and bitterness, and most of all my hurt feelings. Who knows? Maybe they have other plans for me. But if they do, they could have said something. And the minute I hear of a different job, I will be on it in a shot!
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